It's been a wild 48 hours to be in the wedding industry. If you live under a rock, not only has a UK based wedding photographer refused service to a lesbian couple because of their sexuality, a huge educator posted a reel using a slur, with the pair of them laughing and joking about it. The homophobic photographer has removed her instagram and the ableist educator removed the reel and posted a chat gpt apology, but the waves and conversations through the industry remain, and this definitely feels like a stark pin point of where the industry is at.
A couple of years ago you couldn't scroll once on instagram without seeing a new styled shoot featuring an LGBTQ+ couple (most likely a slim, white lesbian couple both in incredible dresses, because inclusivity is important but only when it's most palatable and marketable!). Nevertheless, it felt like a lot of photographers were really *trying* to be inclusive, and actively trying to be good allies. It felt like a lot of people really started to understand the struggle queer couples have when planning their weddings, and they were willing to do the work to make the industry a safer space - by creating more representation, educating themselves and being safe spaces for their couples. Slowly but surely, this growing support for the LGBTQ+ community in the wedding industry seems to have dwindled. Coincidentally I'm sure, far right sentiments have been spreading across the UK. As it seems inclusivity was nothing more than a buzzword and fickle trend for a lot of photographers, enter the newest trend, 'editorial and luxury'. For some reason, being an editorial and luxury photographer is not compatible with being an inclusive photographer, and being 'luxury' means being devoid of a voice and personality, it means ultra professional to the point you don't discuss anything except becoming more 'luxury'. Thus inclusivity has fallen by the wayside, aside from of course queer photographers, and the allies that were always committed to the cause.
With that context, enter Monday 20th July, where I'm absentmindedly scrolling on Tik Tok, and come across a post. Posted by a lesbian couple planning their wedding, a screenshot of a response they got to their enquiry to a photographer. The response said
"Hi lovely, thank you so much for reaching out. I just want to be transparent from the beginning so there's no confusion - I only photograph traditional male - female couples. This is simply a personal choice and part of how I've shaped my business. If that aligns with you, I'd be so honoured to capture your love story. Warmly, Daniela".
The post simply included this screenshot and a screenshot of the photographers name and photo - One Nomad Photo, she's since removed her instagram.
My instant reaction to the post was being shocked and appalled, but I also assumed that it would be someone in the States. Sorry to any right minded Americans reading but you do hear of these things over there on a semi regular basis. But I saw the business name, stopped for a second and realised I recognised this photographer and knew they were UK based as I'd seen their work recently. I went to check, yes, based in 'London' (actually based in Liverpool but maybe lying isn't a sin when it's to look good for business). I went from shocked to completely taken aback, I'd never heard of a photographer in the UK doing this and was completely shaken that this had happened so close to home.
Essentially what she told this couple is that she won't work with them, as she doesn't believe they should have the right to marry because they're a queer couple. Not only is this completely vile and disgusting, it's also completely illegal. It did say in her bio 'JESUS FIRST' so seemingly it's on the grounds of religious views that she refused to work with them. If anyone can point me to the excerpts of the bible specifically about homosexuality it'll be a miracle, because they don't exist.
I commented on the post expressing my shock and concern for the couple, and sent the post to a couple of my friends to talk about and validate my feelings. One friend responded, well, she's religious, so it's fair enough. For the second time that day I felt like the wind had been taken out of me. What? Well it's her business and her views, and I think it's shameful of the couple to put her name out there, she's been polite. ... what? I felt completely blindsided that someone I've known for years, someone who shoots a lot of gay weddings would sympathise with an out and out homophobe in such a way. I said the response may have been worded politely, but she's gone out of her way to try to cruelly harm them and let them know she doesn't believe they have a right to marry. No response. Oh well, I thought I appreciate this person's friendship and though that has hurt me and definitely felt like a micro aggression, I'll leave it there.
Or so I thought!
Enter the next day, someone posts in a photographers only Facebook group, paraphrasing as if I share exact specifics I'll get booted out the group.
Has anyone seen the Tik Tok about a UK photographer who said she only works with male and female couples. The comments have exploded and people are ripping her to bits.
Now, this initially rubbed me up the wrong way, as the post was entirely framed like a salacious piece of gossip and discussing the photographers experience of being ripped apart (as she should've been). This is not wedding industry drama or silly gossip. This is a queer couple who innocently enquired with a photographer who's work they loved, asking her to document their wedding, and they've been harmed in doing so. This is about the struggles that queer couples face when wedding planning and why to be frank, we're scared of businesses who aren't openly inclusive. This isn't about a photographer having to face rammifications for their disgusting and bigoted behvaiour.
The comments started to roll in on the post
I'm invested
She's getting all nastiness
I have a friend who doesn't shoot queer weddings because of religion
It should not be a witch hunt.
This is a person, if they were to harm themselves then you contributed to it,
I believe everyone is entitled to their own choice
BE KIND
All kinds of comments sympathising with the photographer and attempting to validate or excuse her behaviour. When someone hits me with the 'be kind' I unfortunately know exactly what kind of person I'm talking to, and that's someone severely lacking in any sort of critical thinking skills. "be kind" is what you say to children who won't share their crayons. Not to adults asking for respect and accountability for what is genuinely a hate crime.
As most of us know, the wedding industry is completely unregulated. That means when things like this happen, there's no one to report it to, and no ramifications really for their behaviour. No accountability needed and no punishment. I wholeheartedly stand with the couple for sharing the photographers name. What else could they have done? They were spreading awareness for other couples that this photographer is not safe for them. Yes, the internet can be a cruel place, but really, there was no other action that would've done anything and no other way to warn other queer couples. If it has to be trial by social media then so be it, if that's the only way to be held accountable then so be it. If this photographer feels comfortable enough to say those words to a couple privately, then she should be comfortable enough to stand behind it publicly. If that's your belief you feel so strongly about, say it loudly with your chest babe. She didn't, she deleted her social media. She'll likely rebrand and come back at some point, still with her same beliefs but at least shutting the fuck up about them this time. If we don't speak up about this kind of behaviour, it normalises it. If we let people get away with this type of behaviour, they feel validated in being able to behave this way. I can easily see how the industry has gotten to a point where a photographer feels comfortable to openly say this to a couple, I'm not surprised after seeing the sentiments in that group. The support for LGBTQ+ people is not here anymore.
As for the post in the group, once again, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I've been in this group for years, a group that regularly used to have conversations about how to be more inclusive, a group I thought was full of allies.
Let me be clear, if you sympathise, empathise, or validate the photographers behaviour, YOU ARE NOT AN ALLY. If you saw that post and didn't speak up, YOU ARE NOT AN ALLY. If you haven't voiced your frustration or your support, YOU ARE NOT ALLY. I thought everyone wanted to be inclusive, when did that tide change? I had photographers on waiting lists for my workshops purely because my workshops are inclusive. Where are you now? Not here. I'm not seeing the support, I'm not seeing the voices speaking up. Being a true ally is not just about posting pretty photos of gay couples and being tolerant to LGBTQ+ people, thats the bare minimum. Being an ally is about doing the hard work and making your voice heard. The comments empathising with the photographer and imploring gay people to be kind were actually from people who would call themselves allies, from photographers who had inclusivity statements on their websites and photos of gay couples. To that I say how do you have the gall? You are cowards.
Don't ever ask me to 'be kind' when it comes to issues of homophobia. Trust me, I'm holding my tongue, I'm being *very* kind. The double standard of asking gay people to sit by and be silent, to be 'be kind' and put up with awful treatment towards us is what allows homophobic sentiments to grow. It doesn't just one day happen where parliament is debating overturning equal marriage laws, it's insidious, and it starts with allies who were loud becoming ambivalent. With people who were ambivalent sympathising with homophobes, with people asking gay people to just let it happen, just be kind, dont fight hate with hate. That is where it starts. With 'oh people are all allowed their own opinion, especially if it's due to belief'. Then it grows, until people you thought were normal and accepting are siding with the enemy. That's how I've felt out in the world in general for the past couple of years, I haven't felt as safe recently as I previously had, but as the wedding industry is full of creative, open minded people, I did feel safe in a work capacity. Not anymore. Why must I be kind whilst people debate my rights? Why am I villanised for standing up for my community and for equal rights, and against something that is actually illegal? If you have implored anyone to be kind over the past few days - remove those gay photos, remove that inclusivity statement and start again with educating yourselves.
Whilst the group wasn't outwardly and obviously facilitating hate crimes like the photographer had committed, it was fostering an attitude of total ambivalence towards the struggle and harm of LGBTQ+ people. How are people so confident in voicing that they're uncaring towards our struggles, especially when they would describe themselves as inclusive businesses.
After that post, there was another that evening.
As there's been so much drama and negativity, let's all share our favourite photo!
Are you having me on? Minimising genuine hurt towards the LGBTQ+ community is not 'drama' and I'm not interested in some ego feeding exercise, where people who hadn't even involved themselves in the conversation could hop in and share their favourite shitty photo. They can speak up for some self validation but not when it matters. Again, alleged allies, quiet all day but sharing their favourite images of their own for a quick ego stroke. Kindly fuck yourselves, you should be ashamed.
So, where do we go from here?
Genuinely, queer couples, book queer photographers. Don't even bother with people who aren't from the community but are 'inclusive allies'. They're not to be trusted. They don't deserve to be a part of your day or part of your love story. They'll take your money but quietly debate your rights behind your back and truly - fuck them. Of course, I do know wonderful straight people are genuinely are allies, but how as couples are you supposed to tell them apart from the people who make the effort on a surface level but don't actually put in the work and behind closed doors foster some disgusting attitudes. It's not just one homophobic photographer refusing a lesbian couple, it's the conversations that then happen behind the scenes and the trickle down effect, and the past few days have been truly illuminating. That being said, the wonderful Steff and Ells from Rebel Love created their directory for this reason, full of queer suppliers and genuine allies that would be thrilled to work with you - Rebel Love Directory | Wedding Suppliers. I promise you can trust them, they've put in the hard work to vet all their suppliers.
I'm not someone with thin skin, at all, but honestly, I'm feeling angry, disappointed, upset and mainly a bit scared. If that's how I feel, imagine how couples must feel seeing that post.
If you're a photographer who's being made aware of this for the first time, or someone who's been aware of these discussions, I implore you to DO SOMETHING. We need genuine allies more than ever and the tide will only turn the other way if people speak up, and people aren't confident to spew their homophobic views anymore. Protect the queer people in your life and be a voice for them, get us back to a place where we can genuinely trust and rely on allies again, and couples can rely on and trust you with their precious love stories.
This job is a privilege and an honour, and photographing all couples regardless of their sexuality is such. Act like it.